November is the start of the holiday season. Many of you begin to think about the family dynamics: where to go, whom to invite, who gets along, and who eats what. These questions can create stress in one’s life. I always thought that as my children got older, it would become easier, but that is not always the case. Now there are extended families, which cause traditions to change. Change is inevitable, but when you are grieving the death of a loved one, sometimes more change is difficult.
The pain of grief can feel overwhelming during the holidays. When a loved one has died, how do you celebrate without this person, when every holiday memory includes them? After my father died, we sat at the table and pretended everything was the same, but it wasn’t. I wish at that time I had asked my mother what she wanted. I think she would have liked to simplify things. It is important to communicate your needs to your family and remember that these needs will likely change with each passing year. But for now, this year should be the focus. It is even fine if you decide to skip a holiday and treat it as if it were just another day.
It would be helpful for you to understand that these traditions are not significant to the spirit of your loved one if they are causing you unhappiness. Rather than fighting these emotions, find what is best for you. I wish my mother had communicated her needs to me, and together we would have created new traditions.
Try honoring the spirit of your loved one in a new and special way:
- Serve their favorite dish.
- Assemble a centerpiece in their honor.
- Have your guest share their favorite memories of your loved one.
- Light a memorial candle.
Life is a series of lessons that are not always easy. Give yourself a pat on the back and know that you are doing your best.
