Last month, I wrote about a mother’s grief, so this month I want to touch on a father’s grief. In my work as a medium, I have sat in sessions with both moms and dads whose child has died. In some sessions, they have sat together; but most of the time, either the mom or dad will come to see me separately. The reason is because only one is ready to communicate with the spirit of their child.
Kenneth Doka and Terry Martin coined the terms “Intuitive” and “Instrumental” to describe grieving styles. Intuitive grievers experience their grief as very intense waves of emotion. Their feelings are very strong and are fully expressed. Their grief response is usually focused on exploring and expressing these emotions. Instrumental grievers are less feeling-based. They experience their grief more cognitively and physically. They want to problem solve to adapt to the new normal. They often direct their sadness into physical activity. Usually woman are intuitive and men are instrumental grievers. I have also seen men express their grief through their emotions, but most of the time, they feel they must hold it together for their family.
When a couple is coping with the death of their child in such a different ways, it can cause problems in their relationship. A couple came to see me after the death of their six-year-old son. Their son, Will, came into their bedroom very early in the morning asking for breakfast. His father told him it was too early and to go back to bed. As his spirit explained to me, instead of going back to bed, “I was hungry so I was going to the kitchen to get some cookies. Instead of walking down our steps, I felt myself tumbling down. It was so much fun until my nana picked me up, hugged me and took me to a magical place. I thought I was in Narnia.” His parents confirmed to me that Will loved Narnia and that Dad’s mother, whom Will called Nana, had recently died.
Two years later, the father came to see me. He wanted to check in with Will. He explained to me that he and his wife separated because she felt he never grieved Will’s death. She also blamed him for not taking responsibility because he did not get up that morning. He explained to me that every waking moment, he blamed himself. The pain was so deep that he could not cry. Instead he worked all the time to keep his mind busy. The spirit of his son told me to tell his father that it was not his fault. Will woke that morning with a mission, and his mission was to go back to heaven. It would have happened even if both were going down the steps together. Will died instantly, and his father could not have saved him. Finally the tears rolled down the father’s cheek, and he started to sob uncontrollably. The healing had begun.
I still remember, as if it were yesterday, my parents arguing on the back porch. I was only seven, and it was two years after my brother died. My mother’s grief was overwhelming. My mother cried all the time, and my father never shed a tear. He told my mother that his health was declining, and he could not stay in the marriage if she did not control her emotions. My mother came in from the back porch loudly repeating, “Crying on the inside, laughing on the outside.” I never thought my father grieved the death of my brother, but he did. He was an instrumental griever. It took my parents years, but they were able to heal together.
Each person grieves differently. There is no right or wrong. The common thread in every session is that the spirit does not want to be the reason that its two most important people are now miserable because the end of his or her life came too early. Through the grief, remember that your child wants you to heal and that one day you will be together again.